Lifeline

I'm not sure what I'm doing writing this. Honestly I don't but maybe it will help someone out there with this same issue. Its about: suicide. Committing suicide or thinking about it, this is what this post is about I guess. Um... I guess I should share my story then. Well, 2014...i was a bit unhappy with the way there were going. First of all, on new years day, i was hella depressed. I drank every alcohol I can get my hands on...I didn't want to feel anything at all. I was alone with no man and unhappy with where I was in life. I was in a job I wasn't really enjoying and working for a company that didn't care to pay its workers a fair or liveable amount. So I was depressed because of my lack of funds, I was just starting to go back to school (classes would start that next week but notice how old I am), and I had a pretty much nonexistent love life. So of course, bringing in the new year seemed like a sucky idea. Time moved along and...I was still sad. I had a situation that happened to me in my nonexistent love life that totally caused me to shut down. Something within me totally snapped. Like...I really was hoping and praying that somebody would come and like kill me. i was really low and it was some dark days.  I felt ugly and unlovable and...I just hated my life. It got really bad in the summer. I was just going through the motions of life. I didn't shower. I didn't brush my teeth. I didn't really eat that much. and I was either really sleepy or just couldn't sleep at all. My hair was a mess. I wanted my life to end really. All I did was literally go to work and go to school. That was it. Nothing really fun. Nothing at all. Then I lost my job and again...I was just sad. So I was jobless and loveless.
Then I got a job in the education field which is what I wanted but I didn't start until the beginning of September. I had no money since like July so yes again, I was unhappy. I was broke and loveless. So time moves along again and literally by the end of October, I WAS OVER LIFE. I was over it. And prior to that I always thought about suicide but I never acted on it. I just always used to just think about it. So anyway, in October I turned 28 and I was single and broke. Yeah I'm working but like the checks that I get...sucks. Like no one can sustain themselves on what I get paid. So I was feeling pressure from being broke and also from being alone and lonely. Like by 28 I should've had atleast one boyfriend in my life and i didn't. It truly sucked and my crush totally thinks I'm crazy and I thought he had a girlfriend or somebody that he was talking to and I said "F**k it" and thats when I decided to just end it all. I figured that I will always be broke and I will never get married or have babies or have a relationship so whats the point? So it was FAMU homecoming weekend and it was a Sunday and I made my peace with it. I kinda just...went through the day and wasn't really smiling at all or eating. I felt kind of out of it. So that night when I got home from an event, I took like 1 whole prescription sleep med and like 6 over the counter sleeping pills. The prescription sleep pill was really strong, especially for my small frame so I just knew that that combo would totally take me out...It didn't work!!!! I tried to overdose and it didn't work!!!! So I thought, oh great.
So I guess it was a purpose in it not working...I don't know but...I guess I gotta see how things work out now. Its close to the new year so hopefully 2015 will be better but 2014 pretty much sucked. Don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near where I used to be like even last year but I'm not where I want to be just yet. Its a struggle everyday and...I don't know. Hopefully my story helps.

But below are some things you want to watch out for if you or someone you know have thoughts or attempted suicide:

• Hopelessness: feeling like things are bad and won't get any better
• Hating oneself, feeling guilty or ashamed
• Talking or writing about death or destruction
• Recklessness: doing risky or dangerous things
• Personality: behaving like a different person, becoming withdrawn, tired all the time, not caring about anything, or becoming more talkative or outgoing
• Losing interest in friends, hobbies, and appearance or activities or in sports previously enjoyed
• Suicide attempts like overdosing, wrist cutting
• Plans like giving away favorite things, studying about ways to die, obtaining a weapon or a stash of pills: the risk is very high if a person has a plan & the way to do it
• Changes in life that feel overwhelming
• Recent loss through death, divorce, or separation; the breakup of a relationship; losing an opportunity or a dream; losing self-esteem

This list is not like a definite like...list of if you see this then this is what it means. Its more factors that go into it but this list is some of not all of the warning signs you look for. Getting help is key and...I guess getting on meds is pretty important. But overall, getting help. knowing who to turn to or where to go. I have a suicide prevention hotline number that you or someone you know can utilize.  And that number is 1-800-273-8255 or you can go to  suicidepreventionlifeline.org