Not gonna lie. I have a type: Latino, a bit younger than me, and good looking. I know, its horrible. Before, i preferred mixed guys or those that were light skinned but I totally give up on the Black male race to be honest. Especially with this new generation, they are a mess and I simply don't have time for it. With that being said, I have opted for an interracial relationship. I mean, deep down I have always since like high school had a desire for all things Latin.Its so true. Like I loved Selena and Reegaeton and Spanish music...I loved it all. The culture is so rich (like ours). Its really interesting to me. Not trying to be a stan (stalker fan) or anything, but I love it. I'm not sure why but I just have a love for it. Any who you can guess the first problem with finding my type: location. Im in school in Tallahassee. Most hispanic guys are either down south or in Orlando. Now I'm not saying that there are no hispanics at all up here, just not a good amount and I definitely do not see any around me and the people I hang with. Can't really do too much about because I'm in school and I'm up here so until i graduate, this is what I must endure. Also, my funds are very very much limited so I can't really make that 7 hr drive home to Miami, which also sucks. So thats my first real issue. My next issue is that since they're not really that many Latinos up here, they don't want a long distance relationship. They see our distance as a problem. Usually when guys ask me where I go to school the usual answer is "Oh". Now that sucks too.
My next issue is that, honestly since I haven't had much experience with even talking to guys, things can get quite awkward. Its pathetic really. I say all the wrong things, encounter plenty of awkward silences, and I just don't know how to act around guys. I also have the tendency to do whatever they want and I mean that literally. Anything they want they can have, which is a big no no in itself. I don't speak my mind and who is gonna wife a doormat? So yes I fault myself. I also fault myself because I tend to go for jerks. Hot looking jerks (need I say more?). So yes another area that I fault myself.
Now here's a little timeline of my situations:
- (2005-2009) I fall for someone who I've known for years when I first arrived up here for school. School was not my focus and I neglect caring for myself. Depression was getting deep at this point. I went stalker mode on him and pretty much gave up on myself. He wouldn't give me the time of day. Pretty dark place to be in. No bueno
- (2009) I met L.L. (latin lover is what I'll call him) on Facebook. Hot Hot Hot but way younger than me. In fact he was a freshman in college. I spent one night with him and then another time he ignored me. Boy was I pissed. I mean didn't sleep with him but still I was pissed. What did I do to deserve that?
- (2009) Fake t.i. i met at walmart. Physically things went too far then I got ignored. Pissed? You bet!
- (2009) Back to liking L.L. He is just so attractive
- (2010) I met someone on Facebook who was dominican. He moved down here for school and was from Jersey. He was kinda of short but he was so cute. So i hung out with him one day. Just watched a movie and then after that he kept making up excuses of why he couldn't see me. Devestated? Yes!! One day he totally just stopped talking to me.
- (2010-2013) I met the demon (devil really but I'll just call him demon). The biggest user, lazy, abusive person ever!!! Like he is still annoying is disrespectful. He don't care about anyone but himself. Its the truth. I been got tired of him of later on it really showed cause I stopped doing as much as I used to for him. He took advantage of anyone and anything and honestly its sad. He recently tried to get back into my life but I just treated him the same way he treated me: I was cold. So now he's not talking to me. I know he don't know any other way to go about getting what he wants but still as a grown "man", he should know better. but I digress.Needless to say, my friends and family was so happy to see him go.
- (2013) Back to liking my L.L. (see a pattern?). I was so into him but of course he didn't see me in that way. He only saw me something as he can get into physically (although things didn't get too physical with us. Heck barely anything had happen)
- (2013-2014) I go home for thanksgiving and I happen to meet l.l. (I used little l's this time cause he was little and besides it distinguishes between the two) at a bar one night. Now...I wasn't trying to meet anybody. Just wanted to enjoy an evening with my cousin and my homegirl. But hey he was cute but two issues when him physically: he was chubby and short! I know i'm short but I'm not trying to be with no short guy. But I gave him a chance anyway. My location was a big deal to him at first. Then he wouldn't talk to me unless it was sexual which honestly gets on my nerves and bothers me. I wasn't for that. Sorry but I played along. While on a visit home, I thought I'd give him a call just as somebody to chill with but nope: got ignored. This is the second time that happened to me!!! After him I totally shut down. I mean stopped caring for myself. Only got up to go to work and to go to school. That was it. I did nothing to care for myself. I shut down
- (2014) That leaves me to now: L.L. is back to being someone I want. I do. Things did (one time) go too far but hey I was in my feelings about l.l. and wasn't really thinking about it. Weeks later I felt angry and used. so the sadness set in. Who is gonna want me? Now though I want to try a different approach with him. I bought a couple of his clothing items that he is selling and I plan on buying more. I share on Facebook and twitter links that his company does. Trying to show him I support him. Now he says he's ready to settle down and get a girlfriend. Am I anywhere on his radar? Nope! Plus I'm out of town which totally sucks. I can't honestly wait to be done with school so that I can move back home and actually connect with someone (but I want L.L. so badly though). I would rather much be with him and I don't care the consequences. I gotta have him
So as you can see, my love life sucks. Hopefully it gets better bt so far, not so good. Go any advice or words of wisdom?
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